Thinking of you

Here I am thinking of you while I'm supposed to be working, I enjoy being with you more than I do working.  I wasted 9 years of yours and my life, I don't want to waste any more as we are getting older.

I need to show you that I love you, more than ever now.  That is what you need more now than ever.  All I really do is work, do some dishes, some laundry, and snore.  Time to change what and how I do things. 

I really want to go away with you somewhere, anywhere for a little while.  You need a break away from the house and all the daily crap that comes with it.  I want to go do something with you.  It's been way to long since we have done anything.

With kids its hard to get away and go do anything together.  I miss going and doing stuff and it is my fault.  Well if I miss it why not do something about it to change it, well I am going too.  I need to make lists of stuff I need to do and get done like you do.  I've started but I have done a bad job with it.

Things I miss the most, is having fun with you and laughing with you.  Seeing the smile on your face and know your having just as good of time as I am.

I will pick this up later this weekend....thx

New beginning

Here I go its been way too long since my last blog.

Things are a bit Rocky, all has to do with my attitude in life and being indecisive.  All the hell in my life has be brought upon myself and I have nobody to blame but me.

Things need to change inside my head for myself and my family.  I need to step it up and make it happen.  The laziness and inconsideration of others and myself.  How can I expect anyone to be happy when I can't he happy with myself.  This is going to change.

This is my life, its time to move past all the problems I was handed when I grew up.  I made it damn it and I didnt need anyone's help other than my wife.  My wife, humm, she drives me crazy at times but she didn't run away like everyone else did.

It's time to wake up and realize what do have and quit dwelling on the past and what I didn't have, cuz I sure do have it now.

Next step enjoy what I do have and embrace it with all I have and not let it pass me by.   I love my family and I don't want to wake up one day and realize I've missed every damn thing and be pissed at the world.

Hobbies....

This week we (I) picked hobbies to talk about.  Well my favorite things to do given the chance is working on a car for fun, but I'd take computers over all. 

I love computers when it comes to computers there is not much I can't do. I'm not a programmer but I can do everything else. This isn't limited to just PC's. People that make these devices don't allow them to run at their best, I like to hack thru and make that happen. Video games are great thing to play, I didn't have them when I grew up, when I could to afford to buy a PlayStation I did and have since :). I have a game I enjoy to play on the computer, it used to be NASCAR, now its Eve online. Only thing I enjoy in that game is blowing up other people, not all the other boring crap that the game has. I don't have the time to really do any these days, except at work when people need help, I'm the only one that has *cough* admin rights on the laptops shhhhh. Thoese are the only things I consider my hobbies. Nothing interesting to most people but useful to people when they need help. I love to hack things :) its fun when you can get it to work!!

I don't think I'm done it looks like a wall of text from doing this on my phone. Ugh..

Week 1

Well here I go.  My wife suggested that this would be a good form of communication between us to help us understand our feelings with weekly updates.  Its not a bad idea so here I begin :}.

Well, I have a problem and after some research and a suggestion from a therapist that I am in fact codependent and have had this problem for a very long time.  I'm lost and its hard to wrap my mind around this fact that I am screwed up.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It's not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don't be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It's not okay to play or be playful
• Don't rock the boat.

All of these above fit to a tee on how I felt, I was never good enough for anyone and never will be as I constantly screw good things up.

And it gets better here is more that I read:

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

I highlighted parts that I feel fit perfectly to me and the black not so much but they probably apply to me.  

Well whats first?  I have no clue, but I need to begin somewhere as I DO HAVE A PROBLEM.  My wife loves to communicate, I never have done this and I feel uncomfortable with it.  That is not normal and I have to change that so here I am with the blog.  I also bought a book from amazon with great reviews from people.  I hope there are some interesting things in the book to  help my ass out as I need it.  It would one day to feel Happy, just happy and not hating myself anymore.  I mean who wouldn't be happy with a very beautiful wife and 3 great boys :S, I should be but I still feel like a failure in life.  Ok now I am rambling on so Ill end here.  Until next week.