Hobbies....

This week we (I) picked hobbies to talk about.  Well my favorite things to do given the chance is working on a car for fun, but I'd take computers over all. 

I love computers when it comes to computers there is not much I can't do. I'm not a programmer but I can do everything else. This isn't limited to just PC's. People that make these devices don't allow them to run at their best, I like to hack thru and make that happen. Video games are great thing to play, I didn't have them when I grew up, when I could to afford to buy a PlayStation I did and have since :). I have a game I enjoy to play on the computer, it used to be NASCAR, now its Eve online. Only thing I enjoy in that game is blowing up other people, not all the other boring crap that the game has. I don't have the time to really do any these days, except at work when people need help, I'm the only one that has *cough* admin rights on the laptops shhhhh. Thoese are the only things I consider my hobbies. Nothing interesting to most people but useful to people when they need help. I love to hack things :) its fun when you can get it to work!!

I don't think I'm done it looks like a wall of text from doing this on my phone. Ugh..

Week 1

Well here I go.  My wife suggested that this would be a good form of communication between us to help us understand our feelings with weekly updates.  Its not a bad idea so here I begin :}.

Well, I have a problem and after some research and a suggestion from a therapist that I am in fact codependent and have had this problem for a very long time.  I'm lost and its hard to wrap my mind around this fact that I am screwed up.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It's not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don't be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It's not okay to play or be playful
• Don't rock the boat.

All of these above fit to a tee on how I felt, I was never good enough for anyone and never will be as I constantly screw good things up.

And it gets better here is more that I read:

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

I highlighted parts that I feel fit perfectly to me and the black not so much but they probably apply to me.  

Well whats first?  I have no clue, but I need to begin somewhere as I DO HAVE A PROBLEM.  My wife loves to communicate, I never have done this and I feel uncomfortable with it.  That is not normal and I have to change that so here I am with the blog.  I also bought a book from amazon with great reviews from people.  I hope there are some interesting things in the book to  help my ass out as I need it.  It would one day to feel Happy, just happy and not hating myself anymore.  I mean who wouldn't be happy with a very beautiful wife and 3 great boys :S, I should be but I still feel like a failure in life.  Ok now I am rambling on so Ill end here.  Until next week.